Our Show Business Quotations are arranged by author name. Select the first character of the author's last name that you want to look at: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

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Woody Allen

b: New York, New York, Dec 1, 1935

American. Actor. Director. Won five Oscars, including best picture, director, for Annie Hall, 1977.

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"I love baseball, you know it doesn't have to mean anything, it's just very beautiful to watch."

"The food at this place is really terrible." and the other one says, "Yeah, I know. and such small portions."

"When we played softball, I'd steal second, then feel guilty and go back."

A "Bay area Bisexual" told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said "no."

A tree never hits an automobile except in self defense.

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

As the poet said,"Only God can make a tree" – probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

At the moment it's just a Notion, but with a bit of backing I think I could turn it into Concept, and then an Idea.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

Being bisexual doubles your chance of a date on Saturday night.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

But she was so sweet and we just walked in the park and I was so touched by her that, after fifteen minutes, I wanted to marry her and, after half an hour, I completely gave up the idea of snatching her purse.

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.

Cloquet hated reality but realized it was still the only place to get a good steak.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

Don't knock masturbation – it's sex with someone I love.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Hey, don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love. (from 'Annie Hall'}

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

How the hell do I know why there were Nazis? I don't even know how the can opener works!

I am at two with nature.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

I could tell by the sound of your voice over the phone. Very authoritative you know, like the Pope or the computer in 2001.

I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I-I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I-I ripen and then rot.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

I don't wanna live in a city where the only cultural advantage is that you can make a right turn on a red light.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality by not dying.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion with you.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

I interestingly dated a woman in the Eisenhover administration, briefly, and it was ironic to me because I was trying to do to her what Eisenhover has been doing to the country for the last few years.

I know exactly what I think about all this, but I can never find words to put it in. Maybe if I get a little drunk I could dance it for you.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats.

I thought your line was great about, uh,"life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television." I mean, it's completely true.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

I took a speed reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

I'm astounded by people who want to "know" the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I'm not the heroic type. I was beaten up by Quakers.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

If Jesus Christ came back today and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.

If they could figure out a way to channel my anger, they could solve the energy crisis.

If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

In Beverly Hills they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought – particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.

It makes up for the strip search.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it's all over much too soon.

Linda: My God. Can't you cook anything but that TV dinner? allan: Who bothers to cook them? I suck them frozen.

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

Marriage is the death of hope.

Men die, but does Cloquet die? This question puzzled him, but a few simple line drawings on a pad done by one of the guards set the whole thing clear.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God – I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

Nothing worth knowing can be understood with the mind.

Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing ''Embraceable You'' in spats.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; between 5 it's fantastic.

Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful – provided you get between the right man and the right woman.

Sex between two people is a beautiful thing; between five it's fantastic.

Sex is better than talk ... Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best.

She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.

Side Effects Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on the weekend. Woody Allen Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him "Be fruitful and multiply." But not in those exact words.

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

That was the most fun I've ever had without laughing.

The baby is fine, the only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.

The last time I was in a woman I was visiting the Statue of Liberty.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.

The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told him only when it's done right.

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.

The whole country was tied together by radio. We all experienced the same heroes and comedians and singers. They were giants.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

There are worst things than death. If you've ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you know exactly what I mean.

There's nothing sexier than a lapsed Catholic.

Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

What is it about death that bothers me so much? Probably the hours.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

When the academy called, I panicked. I thought they might want their Oscars back and the pawn shop has been out of business for awhile.

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.