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| W. C. Fields
A thing worth having is worth cheating for. All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia. Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got. Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. and while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven. Comedy is a serious business. a serious business with only one purpose – to make people laugh. Fields reloading! Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil's Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon – and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter. I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me. I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake – which I also keep handy. I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck. I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know. I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here. I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach. I exercise extreme self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday. I was married once – in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad. I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it. Last week, I went to Philidelphia, but it was closed. More people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol. My father ... one of the great immorals, er, immortals, of our time. My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. Never mind what I told you – you do as I tell you. Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times. Prayers never bring anything ... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water. Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch. Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. T'was a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her. The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart. The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar. Water rusts pipes. What rascal has been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice? When I want to play with a prick, I'll play with my own. Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to own one. |
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