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| Steven Wright
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, Wish you were here. Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I'll go over to them and say, 'What are you doing here, you've never worked a day in your life!'. Black holes are where God divided by zero. Clones are people two.Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk. He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in. How come abbreviated is such a long word? How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there? I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish. I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by. I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes. I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said Cut it out! I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it. I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. I once played poker with tarot cards. I got a full house, and four people died. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing. I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much time. I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said pet supplies. So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said compact cars. I was once walking through the forest, alone, and a tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear it.I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours. He said, Yes, but not in a row. I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, ten-four. I went to a cafe that advertised breakfast anytime, so I ordered French Toast during the Rennaisance. I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, What for? I said, I'm going to buy some sugar. I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it. I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet? I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose. I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, Hey, maybe I wrote that. I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for? If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in? In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. My friend invented Cliff's Notes. When I asked him how he got such a great idea, he said, Well, first I... I just... well, to make a long story short... My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out. My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. OK, so what's the speed of dark?One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators. So what's the speed of dark?The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree. There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety. When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules? When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice. When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I said No, I made a few mistakes. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail? |
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