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| Rodney Dangerfield
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself. At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't. I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand. I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself. I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie. I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot. I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get. I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. Life is just a bowl of pits. My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock. My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home. Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm. What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife. When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me. Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.' |
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