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| George Carlin
"In football the object is to march into enemy territory and cross his goal. In baseball the object is to go home."As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything. At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established. Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, andanyone going faster than you is a moron. I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect. I'm sixty years of age. That's 16 Celsius.Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. The class clown's job is to make you laugh when it's completely
inappropriate to laugh. (Pause.) Kneeling in front of the coffin.
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing. Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, Well, okay, that's enough of that. |
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