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| Bill Maher
""They are having a panel look into the intelligence failures in Iraq.
It is a seven person panel and it will include Senator John McCain, but
the findings from this panel will not be issued until after the
election. President Bush says the commission can go off and report back
in a year, you know, the same way it works in the Texas National Guard."
A Filipino spy broke into Dick Cheney's office this week, and that takes a
lot because Dick Cheney's office is the back of a speeding
ambulance.A group of Cuban Americans denounced the Castro government as a fascist regime that monitors and scrutinized its citizens' everyday existence. And then they excused themselves to go watch Big Brother. A lot of good has come from drugs. I think 'Penny Lane' is worth 10 dead kids. Dark Side of the Moon is worth 100 dead kids. Because a lot of kids wouldn't even be born if it weren't for that album, so it evens out. America is the only country in the world that's still in the business
of making bombs that can end the world and TV shows that make it seem
like a good idea.Apparently Bob Dole's new election strategy is to find a Republican policy so stupid, even Clinton won't copy it. Bush the younger has two things going for him that his father never had.
One: an easy charm with regular people and two: the power to make them
disappear without a trial.Dick Cheney said he felt terrible about shooting a 78-year-old man, but on the bright side, it did give him a great idea about how to fix Social
Security.Doctors said that the test most commonly used to screen for colon cancer doesn't go far enough. They're recommending a procedure that involves photographing the entire colon. I say, don't vie CBS an idea for another reality show. Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease. George Bush says, 'Gore's book needs a lot of explaining.' Of course, Bush says that about every book. I believe Dr. Kevorkian is onto something. I think he’s great. Because suicide is our way of saying to God, "You can’t fire me. I quit."I have a high state of resentment for the conformity in this country. If you're not married and having children, it's like your life is empty or you're a communist meanie. I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder. I was raised half Jewish and half Catholic. When I'd go to confession, I'd say "Bless me, father, for I have sinned -- and you know my attorney, Mr.Cohen."I'm sorry a big wind came and blew everything away but the La-Z-Boy and
the orange velvet pool table, but hurricanes are God's way of saying,
"Get off my property!"Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, 'Please, I used to pull the same trick. There'd be an intervention, I'd make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards.' It looks like they don't like us on TV, but you have to watch some of the
other stories. I saw a story on an Iraqi/Kurd family who had so much
appreciation for what we did in 1991 that they named their kid Dick Cheney.
I'm not kidding. They have a little 11-year-old boy named Dick Cheney who is
smart, brave, and gets along very well with his retarded brother Dan
Quayle.Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there's a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson -- and when he shows up, they tell him there'll be a ten-minute wait.Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids.Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is and every problem can be solved with violence. Not to worry, the man who was shot left the hospital today, and they said
he was in good condition -- a little gamey, but still moist.President Bush is supporting Arnold but a lot of Republicans are not, because he is actually quite liberal. Karl Rove said if his father wasn't a Nazi, he wouldn't have any credibility with conservatives at all. Suicide is man's way of telling God, You can't fire me - I quit.The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs. The Dalai Lama visited the White House and told the President that he could teach him to find a higher state of consciousness. Then after talking to Bush for a few minutes, he said, You know what? Let's just grab lunch. The President and Mrs. Bush were on 'Larry King' last night and the
president said, 'America is absolutely better off today than it was 4 years
ago.' Then he said, 'Did I say America, I meant Chevron.'The president finally explained why he sat in that classroom on 9/11 for 7
minutes after he was told the country was under attack. He said he was
'collecting his thoughts.' What a time to start a new hobby.'The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed. Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade? This country loves guns so much, we have a SaladShooter.This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution. This is a ridiculous heat wave we're in right now, and to contribute, Newt Gingrich said that for the entire month of June, he will stop blowing hot air. We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I think religion stops people from thinking. I think it justified crazies. We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities. |
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