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| Bill Cosby
A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice. Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry. Any husband who says, "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell, who taught me what was meant by survival of the fittest.Children today know more about sex than I or my father did.Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it. Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.Fatherhood is pretending the present you love the most is soap-on-a-rope. Five, six children same woman eight ten different husbands or whatever. Pretty soon you are going to have DNA cards to tell who you are making love to.For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked.Gray hair is God's graffiti.Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.I am certainly not an authority on love because there are no authorities on love, just those who've had luck with it and those who haven't.I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it.I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.I recently turned fifty, which is young for a tree, midlife for an elephant, and ancient for a quarter miler, who's son now says, "Dad, I just can't run the quarter with you anymore unless I bring something to read."I wasn't always black... There was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right. Immortality is a long shot, I admit; but somebody has to be first.It isn't a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that's beautiful.Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its infancy.My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own parenthood, but it didn't because parenting can be learned only by people who have no children.My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!Never let the younger people know that you think a compact disc is a sturdy spine; and never say to them, "That was before your time," because the last full moon was before their time.No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.Nothing separates the generations more than music. By the time a child is eight or nine, he has developed a passion for his own music that is even stronger than his passions for procrastination and weird clothes. Parents are not quite interested injustice, they are interested in quiet.People will frighten you about a graduation...They use words you don't hear often... And we wish you Godspeed. It is a warning, Godpeed. It means you are no longer welcome here at these prices. Poets have said that the reason to have children is to give yourself immortality. Immortality? Now that I have five children, my only hope is that they are all out of the house before I die.That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle the Vatican has overlooked. The essence of childhood, of course, is play, which my friends and I did endlessly on streets that we reluctantly shared with traffic.The heart of marriage is memories; and if the two of you happen to have the same ones and can savor your reruns, then your marriage is a gift from the gods. The main goal of the future is to stop violence. The world is addicted to it.The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now. The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.The truth is that parents are not really interrested in justice. They just want quiet.The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God. There is no labor a person does that is undignified; if they do it right. We are the only animals that let our kids come back home.When you become senile, you won't know it.Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think -- in a deeper voice.You are well-educated and you look cute, but that's not going to cut it.You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything - even poverty - you can survive it. |
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